Batman (1943): Episode Three!

Mark of the Zombies!

Among The Batman’s amazing array of crime-fighting equipment is his Utility Belt! Which doubles as a Tummysizer.

Batman (1943)
Directed by Lambert Hillyer
Written by Victor McLeod, Leslie Swabacker, Harry Fraser (screenplay) Bob Kane (character)
Chapter Three: Mark of the Zombies!

I was hoping the title referred to an actual person—like Lawrence of Arabia, or Sgt. Preston of the Yukon—named Mark, who hobnobs with the Undead, because frankly I’m getting sick of The Batman and Robin, and could really go for a new character right about now. Alas, it’s not to be, so let’s suck it up and review: so far, the two big cliffhangers have both involved The Batman falling off a building (Click here and here for the tedious details). This time, however, the filmmakers spice it by having our frequently plummeting hero drag Linda to her death along with him, as the two free-falling lovers unite to squish Robin.

How does The Batman survive this time? Honestly, I haven’t a clue. It appears that Robin throws The Batman a line as he plunges 32 feet per second per second. He catches it, performs the Indian Rope Trick in mid-air, then shins safely down to the ground with his unconscious girlfriend still draped around his shoulders like a mink stole. Of course, due to the Ritalin-deprived editing, I can’t be entirely certain this is what happened, but I’m pretty sure I saw Hadji do a similar thing once on Jonny Quest.

As you may recall, in the previous episode, Daka’s Chief Thug Foster also performed a bit of legerdemain, grabbing a live wire barehanded and magically using it to turn an ordinary steel cable into that fuse from the opening credits of Mission: Impossible! But having failed to kill the Caped Crusader by electrocuting himself, Foster suddenly remembers that he has a gun, and—feeling a little sheepish, I’m guessing—pulls it out and starts shooting. But it’s too little, too late.

The other thugs predict that Daka won’t be pleased, but Foster hotly retorts, “I’m not afraid of him or any other squint eye!” (Meaning, I presume, that he is also not afraid of Mr. Magoo, or Robert Newton’s Long John Silver from Treasure Island.) So while Foster is a traitor, a saboteur, and a murderer, at least he isn’t sporting a pair of epicanthic folds.

True to the thugs’ premonitions, Daka is irked at this latest in their unbroken string of blunders, and acts out by putting Uncle Martin under a hair dryer festooned with spark plugs and a rearview mirror. The doctor turns on a bunch of non-UL approved appliances he got at the Castle Frankenstein yard sale, and Uncle Martin’s salon-style dryer hood fills up with thick, roiling smoke that looks less like a special effect and more like an industrial accident, but either way it probably explains why we never see this actor in another movie.

Having zombified Uncle Martin and given him a Marcel finger wave, the thugs fit him with his own electronic non-thinking cap fashioned from a vibrator and a Salad Spinner. Then Daka picks up a Mr. Microphone and tells his newly made slave to stand. Uncle Martin stands. He tells him to turn to the left, and he turns to the left. He orders Uncle Martin to follow him, and he does, thus demonstrating Daka’s total and irresistible control, and the zombie’s basic need to be micromanaged. But then the Japanese spymaster promptly ruins the effect of his sinister mind-control transmitter by singing karaoke through it and shouting at passing girls, “Hey good-lookin’, I’ll be back to pick you up later!”

Meanwhile, back at Wayne Manor, we learn that Bruce has placed an ad saying that he’s found a radium gun and asking the owner to contact him, in the hope that Dr. Daka will see it while checking Craig’s List for a cheap couch and used stereo equipment.

Cut to an office, where Alfred is donning a false beard. Not to disguise his identity—none of the thugs have ever seen him—but because, well, beards and Batman just go together, much the way that Shakeys has managed to unify the normally discrete elements of Food, Folks, and Fun. The thugs show up, threaten Alfred, then Batman and Robin burst through a window and it’s on, bitches! To be honest, the action that ensues is less of a fistfight and more of a heavily clothed orgy, with the heroes and the thugs all rolling around together on the floor like a Wesson oil party at Plato’s Retreat, except without Florence Henderson.

The Batman and Robin manage to get Foster out of his jacket and are working on his pants, but it’s slow going (foreplay was a more involved process back when criminals wore suspenders and a belt, not to mention the gentleman’s hosiery garters). Suddenly, Alfred finds a gun on the floor, closes his eyes, and starts randomly shooting. Since his boss is directly in the line of fire, this may constitute history’s first example of a disgruntled employee.

After Alfred clears the room, the heroes go through Foster’s jacket and find a map showing the exact time and place where the bad guys plan to blow up a troop train. Now, this document would no doubt baffle the average citizen, but the World’s Greatest Detective is able to deduce from it that Daka’s men are planning to blow up a troop train at a particular time and place. Take that, Superman!

Cut to a trestle, where Foster is setting the bomb. The Batman sneaks up behind him and tries to get frisky with the terrorist, but he’s distracted by the constant need to fling his cape back over his shoulder. By this point, I suspect it’s not a design flaw, but an affectation. When The Batman isn’t busy fussing with his wardrobe, however, he and The Robin manage to smack around a couple of the day players, while a rear projection of some hobbyist’s Lionel train set bears down on them. The thugs scatter, and The Batman frantically tries to disarm the bomb, but he can’t figure out if he should cut the red or the blue wire, because they’re both in black and white. Just then, a fleeing crook flings a wrench and coldcocks the Caped Crusader, who collapses onto the tracks, right in the path of an approaching HO scale locomotive! As suspense goes, it’s not exactly the climax of Stand By Me, but at least they didn’t end the episode with him falling off the trestle. I mean, too much of a good thing…

How will The Batman escape being crushed beneath the wheels of a grainy 16mm loop of a model train set? Join us next time for Chapter Four: Slaves of The Rising Sun!