Disturbing Behavior (1998)

When Marvel movies get Detention

Disturbing Behavior (1998)
Directed by David Nutter
Written by Scott Rosenberg

The film begins with two teens making out beside a hydroelectric plant. But even as they steam up the car windows, the boy protests that he has a big game on Friday, and “I need my fluids.” The girl, who evidently hasn’t seen Dr. Strangelove, will not be denied his essence, and leans down to siphon him. On the verge of orgasm, the boy’s right eye announces a K-Mart Blue Light Special, and he celebrates by snapping her neck. Just then, Sheriff Steve Railsback arrives to chat about the big game, and to check the boy’s dipstick for proper fluid levels. But when Sheriff Steve’s deputy discovers the dead girl in the car, Dipstick Boy grabs Steve’s gun and shoots the deputy (but he did not shoot the Sheriff).

Meanwhile, on the bluff above, we see a lone hooded figure: It’s one of the lesser known Teen Titans, Stoner Lad, and his faithful companion, Cannabis Canine. The young crime-fighter silently observes the murder scene as he tokes on a honkin’ spleef.

The next day, pointy-cheekboned heartthrob James Marsden arrives in town with his family. James is apparently our hero, even though he’s a wuss who is tormented by nightmares about America’s Funniest Home Videos.

At the High School, James notices friction between the run-of-the-mill slackers and the elite “Blue Ribbons.” The latter are a spiffy crew of cheerful, gung-ho boosters who wear cardigans and nice wool-blend slacks, and are prone to sudden fits of bloody violence—sort of like Up With People on angel dust.

On the bright side, James himself acquires a posse at Lunch Period, when he is befriended by Stoner Lad and his sidekick, Albino Boy, and inducted into the Teen Titans.

Later, at home, James’ little sister and a classmate are practicing for a spelling bee. But her friend’s inability to sound out the word “phlegm” blows the lid off the family’s dirty little secret—James has a dead brother! And because of it, their father can no longer trust James to pass him the mashed potatoes.

The next day, James is called to the office to meet Dr. Bruce Greenwood, who will be our Mad Scientist today. Dr. Greenwood points out the restrooms fore and aft, and reminds James that in the event of a sudden loss of plot coherence, his ego will double as a flotation device. Dr. Bruce runs the Blue Ribbon program, and is brilliant, but unhinged, driven mad by his inability to grow a convincing mustache.

After school, James meets Katie Holmes, whose pale skin and black-ringed eyes are supposed to make her look Goth, but instead suggests Edgar Winter after falling for that shoe polish on the binoculars gag.

Stoner Lad takes James to the basement for a smoke, where they meet janitor William Sanderson, who has convinced himself that he’s not in a crappy teen horror movie, but in the comparatively dignified position of playing the “Rat Catcher” character at the Renaissance Faire in San Bernardino.

Stoner Lad tells James that all the troublemakers in school are undergoing a terrifying process of Eddie Haskellization. James is skeptical, until Stoner Lad himself is captured by Dr. Bruce, and forced to wear an argyle sweater vest.

The Blue Ribbons beat up James in the cafeteria, and he strikes back by hiding in the basement during lunch period, and gnawing fretfully at an apple. The Rat Catcher is impressed by James’ heroic example, and bestows upon him his new super hero identity: “Lunch Boy.”

When James gets home that night, he finds the perky and soulless Blue Ribbonette Lorna waiting on the couch for him. He responds by pulling a Coke out of the fridge, and boldy drinking it. Lorna is aroused by the male’s display of product placement, and opens her blouse. She kisses James, then smashes a mirror with her face, and tries to slash his carotid artery with a shard of glass. James feels that Lorna is sending him mixed signals, and the encounter ends uncomfortably for both of them.

The next day, Katie goes down into the basement so she can be menaced and pawed by Chuck, one of the Blue Ribbons. Just as he’s getting started, however, he’s driven insane by a squeal emitted from the Rat Catcher’s ultra-sonic pest-repelling boom box.

Hmm. So the evil, conformist Eddie Haskells operate on the same frequency as rats! How’s that for stinging social satire? Eat Disturbing Behavior’s DUST, Voltaire!

Lunch Boy joins forces with Katie (who keeps uttering the word “razor” in non-tonsorial contexts, so that’s apparently her superhero name) to investigate Dr. Bruce.

They take the ferry to Sinister Acres, the gothic asylum where Dr. Bruce last worked. On the way over, Lunch Boy reveals that his brother shot himself in the head—so I guess he was Superman.

Razor and Lunch Boy use their powers to jump-cut the Security guard in a single bound, and wander freely around the asylum, stopping periodically to tap on the glass and annoy the deformed inmates.

Eventually, they find a girl in a flannel nightgown, sitting in a rocking chair, and waiting to decompose into Norman’s mother from Psycho. A hospital bracelet identifies her as Dr. Bruce’s daughter, which seems like it ought to be a plot point, but really isn’t.

“Let’s get out of here,” Katie says. Yes, let’s. But first, let’s take a moment to sandwich in a music video; so the director cranks up the Harvey Danger on the soundtrack, while Katie bounces bralessly down the corridor.

Back home, Lunch Boy is jumped by the Blue Ribbons, who strap James into a barber chair and commit plagiarism by propping his eye open and making him watch images of hackneyed Americana—thereby ripping off both A Clockwork Orange and Reagan’s old “It’s Morning in America” commercials at the same time.

James escapes, and finds Katie strapped into another chair, but she seems groggy, disoriented. Did they manage to seize control of her will, or did he get to her in time?!

Oh, who cares? They escape from school with the aid of Albino Boy, but run into a roadblock of Blue Ribbons. Is this the end for Lunch Boy and Razor?!

Sadly, no. Because suddenly, the Rat Catcher arrives, with dozens of rodent-repelling boom boxes in the back of his El Camino. He switches them on, and the Blue Ribbons scream and writhe with agony. Naturally, they can’t get enough of this, and when he drives off, they follow him to the hydroelectric plant.

Rat Catcher, who was shot by Dr. Bruce just before he ran the mad doctor down with his car, now plans to rip off the end of Thelma and Louise. He turns to James, and speaks the words that would become the rallying cry of the Teen Titans from that day forward: “Do good things, Lunch Boy!”

Okay, that’s a pretty lame battle cry, but you have to remember that he had a sucking chest wound. So did the screenwriter, for all we know. It would explain much.

As the berzerker Blue Ribbons climb all over his El Camino, the Rat Catcher tries again for an inspirational epitaph. Pushing the gas pedal to the floor, he shouts, “Hey! Teacher! Leave them kids alone!”

Okay, that’s not a big improvement; but as heroic last words go, it’s better than plunging into the abyss while screaming, “How can you have any pudding when you don’t eat your meat?” Rat Catcher drives off the dam, taking the entire Student Council with him.

Dr. Bruce comes back from the dead so they can rip off the end of Niagara. “There’ll be other towns, and other troubled teens,” he says, adding, “Science is god!”

James retorts, “Be the ball!” Then he kicks Dr. Bruce off the dam and sends him plummeting to his death, because the thesis of this film seems to be that there is one solution to the problem of modern American public education, and it’s gravity.

But Disturbing Behavior raises other provocation social questions. For instance, is brain washing really an effective method to control teens? Research indicates that although it has some unfortunate side effects (violence, sweater vests, overacting), it can be successful in the short term. For instance, there is the Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise engagement. Katie appeared to have been unaffected by Dr. Bruce’s conditioning at the time, but when Scientology (and the need to generate publicity for two summer movies) was later added to the mix, she promptly fell in love with the older, weirder, shorter Tom Cruise in a matter of hours, and agreed to marry him in a matter of days. Proof that mind control does work!

So if you’re looking to keep your child bride in line with a mixture of science, mysticism, and multi-tiered marketing techniques, then the next time you’re walking down Hollywood Boulevard, you should finally take that Free Personality Test the Scientologists are always trying to foist on you, while you’re just focused on avoiding that perv in the Diddle Me Elmo costume.