Megaforce (1982)

Deeds Not Words. Actually let's skip the Deeds too. They kinda suck.

Megaforce (1982)
Directed by: Hal Needham
Written by: André E. Morgan, Albert S. Ruddy

A profoundly personal film, wrenched deep from the soul of stuntmeister Hal Needham, Megaforce stars Barry Bostwick, Persis Khambatta, Edward Mulhare, and Henry Silva. (Suggested ad copy included, “Needham? There’s plenty in this cast!”)

Based on a painting by Jackson Pollock, the plot of Megaforce goes something like this: Edward Mulhare (as “The General”) and Persis Khambatta (as “The Major”) are dropped off in the middle of the desert by a limousine. They remain there for a really long time while nothing happens, giving us plenty of opportunity to admire their wardrobe. Edward is sporting a beige polyester shirt, double- knit slacks, and the shortest tie this side of Oliver Hardy. Persis is wearing a gauzy, rust-colored gown that matches her rouge, and sitting on a rock with her legs spread at right angles like a truck driver. This attracts a huge rattlesnake, which attempts to recreate the climax of North By Northwest, where the train carrying Eva Marie Saint and Cary Grant goes into a tunnel. However, Persis and her scaly love interest are stopped just inches from turning this whole thing into a John Waters film by the intervention of Michael (Xanadu) Beck, who shoots the snake, then poses while Needham treats us to a long, loving, lingering look at his bun-hugging Sergio Valentes, his musky T-shirt advertising SKOAL smokeless tobacco, his Linda Blair-style shag haircut, and his straw cowboy hat. Clearly, this is Persis’s new love interest, and she reacts accordingly: She sits on a rock, and spreads her legs. Edward is apparently aroused by this, because his tie suddenly gets longer.

They all pile into a sport utility vehicle with a ThighMaster on the roof, and drive through the desert. Eventually, they stop to watch some guys on motorcycles pop wheelies and gun down a bunch of giant beach balls that were apparently going on an Outward Bound trip with Rover from The Prisoner.

One of the cyclists dismounts, and Persis meets her third love interest of the film. It’s whippet-thin, frost-and-tipped action hero Ace Hunter (Barry Bostwick). Sporting a skin-tight gold lamé bodysuit and a sky-blue headband stolen from Olivia Newton John’s “Let’s Get Physical” video, Barry introduces himself as the commander of an elite special forces unit, despite the fact that he’s dressed like a chorus boy from Starlight Express. He leads the party into his super-secret underground matte painting, where he changes the skintight bodysuit for a skintight velveteen cutaway coat and a sky-blue ascot the size of a lobster bib.

Edward Mulhare explains that he needs an elite force of professional killers for a blitzkrieg assault on a fortified target, and he believes that Barry’s cadre of highly trained Edwardian fops are just the men for the job. Barry consents, and gives a high-tech briefing on the mission—the effect of which is somewhat compromised by the fact that he looks like Barry Gibb in Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, and the briefing consists of him and Michael Beck playing “Pong.”

Persis is persistent about wanting to go along on the attack, so Barry runs her through Megaforce basic training, which involves a trip to the Driver’s Ed. simulator, and a rear-projected skydiving sequence, in which the two of them attempt to mate in mid-air like eagles until Barry prematurely deploys his chute, if you know what I mean. Persis passes the training with flying colors, which convinces her that Barry was right: She’s just a dumb ol’ girl, and she ought to stay home. As they tenderly part at the airport, Persis kisses her thumb and shows it to Barry, who kisses his thumb and shows it to her. This is as hot as the sex ever gets.

Megaforce attacks the target, which turns out to be a strip mall in San Bernardino. While a red digital clock counts down in the corner of the screen, the killer motorcyclists ride through and blast all the buildings. Then they ride through once more, and we watch all the same stuff blow up again. And again. And again. Apparently, it’s a Möbius-strip mall.

Meanwhile, Mulhare conspires with some off-screen politicians to double- cross Megaforce.

Trapped in the middle of the desert, Barry and his men have but one chance of escape: They must stage a Super Bowl Halftime Show. This plan works for some reason, and everybody reaches the rescue plane except for Barry. Fortunately, just as the aircraft lifts off, Barry’s motorcycle turns into Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, while Barry himself turns into a cross between Margaret Hamilton in The Wizard of Oz and Henry Thomas in E.T.

Flushed with triumph, Barry is met at the airport by Persis, and they run off to spend a romantic evening together, Frenching their own barely opposable digits. The End.

Ace Hunter: yet another mythic hero. Here’s how he measured up to the rest of the pantheon, according to the Coming This Summer ballyhoo:

Super? Nah. Hero? Eh. I will, however, stipulate that he’s marginally less lame than Aquaman.

But what was that thumb-kissing all about? Well, palm readers call the base of the thumb “The Mound of Venus,” and say that it’s an indicator of our ability to love, as well as our capacity for playfulness. However, a woman’s mons pubis is also known as the Mound of Venus. So, it’s apparent that while Barry’s heart is in the right place, he just has a really crappy sense of direction.