Color of Night (1994)

The first Major Motion Picture to feature nude frying.

Color of Night (1994)
Directed by Richard Rush
Written by Matthew Chapman, Billy Ray, and Richard Rush.

An agitated patient tells shrink Bruce Willis that she hopes his “cock shrivels up,” thus introducing the main theme of the movie: Willis’s willie. She is so upset by Bruce’s penis that she jumps through the window and plummets 200 stories to her death. Through a clear panel in the sidewalk we watch her blood pool artistically. When the blood turns gray we realize that Dr. Bruce has been stricken with hysterical color blindness! He has lost his red!

Bruce is all broken up about causing the death of a patient with litigious next of kin, so he slinks off to L.A. to stay with fellow psychologist Scott Bakula. Scott introduces Bruce to his therapy group, which consists of sexaholic Lesley Ann Warren, dorky Brad Dourif, dour Lance Henriksen, masochistic artist Casey, and big-eyed, bucktoothed, effeminate Richie.

On the drive home, Dr. Bruce diagnoses the members of the group, based on his five minutes of contact with them. Scott gets chills from Bruce’s uncanny insight, but Bruce modestly claims that he was “born with it, like a psychic tuning fork.” Scott confides that he has been getting death threats, and he thinks they are coming from inside the group! He hopes Dr. Bruce, the Amazing Kreskin of the A. P. A., can help him pick out the genuine nut job from the people who just need lots of expensive therapy.

Sadly, Bruce’s metaphysical flatware failed to tell him that a killer really is after Dr. Scott. After the next session we hear high-pitched giggling as a figure dressed in black leather stabs Scott repeatedly. Yes, Scott has been killed by Olivia Newton-John from Grease!

The following day, the sexist, racist, and obnoxious Detective Hector Martinez, the most likable character in the movie, questions Bruce, asking whom he thinks killed Dr. Scott. Bruce declines to answer due to doctor-patient confidentiality, which he likens to “the Miranda Oath” (you know, the vow cops take to never recite lines from The Tempest to suspects). Hector says that if his friend had been murdered, he would perform anal sex on Miranda. Not that it would help, of course, but I guess that it would take his mind off his grief.

Bruce is on his way to break the news about Dr. Scott to the group when his car is rear-ended by Jane March, a big-eyed, bucktoothed lass. She says her name is Rose. (Rose! Get it? It’s a color in the red spectrum!) Rose begs Bruce to not report the accident. She refuses to give him her last name, address, or phone number—which might make a lesser man suspect her reliability, but since Bruce’s amazing “tuning fork” indicates she doesn’t wear panties, he agrees to let her “make it up to him.”

The group invites Bruce to be their new therapist (notwithstanding how he killed his last patient, and can’t see red, and is crazy and everything). When Bruce tells Hector he is taking over the group, Hector expresses concern for Bruce’s dick, which he predicts will get chewed off if Bruce keeps sticking it in with barracuda. Bruce accuses Hector of wanting him. Clearly Bruce’s dick is quite the coquette.

Bruce goes home to gaze moodily at the swimming pool. Rose appears, wearing a bright red dress. She kisses him, they fall into the pool, and her dress just kinda dissolves (due to high chlorine levels) to reveal a decided lack of underwear. Bruce’s clothing also melts (except for his socks and shoes). As they squirm and flop in the water, you can see Bruce in all his splendor (at least in the unrated version). Um, for a movie designed around a penis, it isn’t really all you might have dreamed of.

Rose cooks dinner in the nude (gaining an unfair advantage over the other contestants on Top Chef), and then she and Bruce take a shower. We see that Rose has a rose tattoo on her butt. We also see that Bruce’s butt is pallid and rather repellent (one of these butts is a plot point, so pay attention)!

Bruce decides to visit Leslie Anne, who has just returned from a shopping trip with her friend Bonnie. Bonnie has big eyes, buckteeth, and wears a red wig—but doesn’t wear underpants (apparently L.A. was suffering from a major underwear shortage back in ’94—some rock groups should have done a benefit or something). Bonnie seems vaguely familiar...

Bruce continues his house calls by visiting Casey’s studio. He steps in something gray, then looks up to see Casey’s body strung from the ceiling, his blood pooling on the floor. Bruce looks sick, thinking that his damned color blindness has caused him to ruin a perfectly good pair of shoes!

Meanwhile, Leslie Anne and Bonnie are titillating the audience with their naughty lesbian antics. Bonnie pops out of her clothes, and a close-up of Bonnie’s butt reveals...a rose tattoo! What could this mean???

When Bruce gets home that night he finds Rose in the kitchen, cooking up a storm while wearing only a frilly apron. Clearly this girl has a thing for nude food preparation—her secret life probably involves working as a fry cook at TGI Naked.

At the next therapy session, Bruce finds Dr. Scott’s hidden journal. Bruce reads Scott’s last entry, which says that he was right about somebody in the group posing a threat to his life, since he’s now dead and all. Bruce also finds a nude photo of Rose with a note on the back rating her as “Pretty hot for a sociopath.” Bruce passes the photo around, since sharing is what group therapy is all about. It turns out that Rose (or Bonnie, as they knew her) was sleeping with each of them! What are the odds of that?

Bruce deduces that Richie, the only one who didn’t sleep with Rose, is the key to the mystery. Bruce takes off Riche’s glasses and wig, and...he’s Rose! She tells him that when her little brother Richie died, their older brother Dale started calling her “Richie” and this caused her to develop multiple personality disorder. When the therapy group became her family, she created “Bonnie,” a personality who could strengthen those familial ties through sex. Then she met Bruce, and was free to be Rose again, thanks to his amazing penis!

Alas, before there is time for more cuisine au natural, real sociopath Dale comes after Bruce and Rose with his nail gun! It all ends in an homage to Vertigo, with Rose frantically climbing a spiral staircase in a storm, and Bruce following her onto the roof. They fall off several times, but catch each other before hitting the ground. This continues until Bruce can finally see red again, and so they live happily ever after, in perfect mental health. The End.

So, Color of Night: probably the best movie ever made about the tragic problem of hysterical colorblindness. As you may recall, Bruce Willis was asked to host the telethon for the affliction, but had to decline since he was already heavily involved in the “Men with Bad Toupees and Mediocre Wieners” charity.

But besides being a disease-of-the-week nudie flick, this movie also offers lots of valuable information to you, the credulous viewer. First, it provides actual psychological information, such as the fact that if you repeatedly call somebody by the wrong name, you will cause him or her to develop multiple personality disorder. So, it will be all your fault when that nondescript guy in the next cubicle whose name you can’t recall takes to speaking with an English accent and asking to be addressed as “Miss Nancy.” Also, this movie teaches us that neurotics are really unobservant, and can easily be fooled by Jane March wearing a wig and glasses. Of course, psychiatrists are no better...at least, that’s what they’ll claim when investigated by the medical board for sleeping with their patients. (“How was I to know she was that teen I’ve been treating—she wore glasses, for God’s sake!”)

Secondly, this film presents ideas for adding more carnality to your life. For instance, put clothes-dissolving chemicals in your swimming pool and invite sexy strangers over for a dip! If somebody hits your car, instead of swapping insurance info, exchange bodily fluids! And add excitement to boring tasks like cooking by doing them in the nude! Of course, this can result in grease burns in sensitive (and embarrassing) places, but if done carefully, it can make life more interesting for you and those around you—especially if you’re a lunch lady at the junior high.

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