20 Comments
User's avatar
Kat Rigel's avatar

“Clearly Bruce’s dick is quite the coquette.”

This phrase is going to haunt me for days.

I don’t know if I can forgive you for it doing so either.

This being said, I have never seen this movie nor will I ever see this movie after reading your words.

Expand full comment
Scott Clevenger's avatar

I understand and accept my opprobrium with good grace, but I'd like at least a *little* credit for resisting the impulse--and it was CONSIDERABLE--to spell it "cockette".

Expand full comment
Kat Rigel's avatar

D.E.A.D. here

Expand full comment
Worriedman's avatar

Richard Rush. That guy. The Stunt Man was a truly great movie. He blamed the producers for butchering this film. There's evidently a 20-minute longer director's cut.

The Wikipedia entry for Richard Rush is a treat. It contains this immortal sentence -

"Rush spent his childhood fascinated by Marcel Proust and Batman comics.["

Well no wonder, ey?

Maxim magazine says the greatest sex scene of all time was in " Color of Night"

Good column!

Expand full comment
Scott Clevenger's avatar

Thanks! But the news that there's a version of this thing that's TWENTY MINUTES LONGER just makes me hope--really, REALLY hope--those "Release the Synder Cut!" dudes don't get involved.

Expand full comment
Ethan Luce's avatar

Can’t believe they’d cast Lance Henriksen and Brad Dourif, and neither of them are the killer.

Expand full comment
Carl Salonen's avatar

<<apparently L.A. was suffering from a major underwear shortage back in ’94>>

*best Paul Harvey voice*

And now you know....Victoria's Secret.

Good day?

Expand full comment
Carl Salonen's avatar

<<He has lost his red!>>

Seems to be an ongoing problem for him.

Expand full comment
DrBDH's avatar

Is “Red” the only good movie Bruce Willis ever made?

Expand full comment
Alice's avatar

I'd consider watching it for Scott Bakula, but it sounds as though he was in the film for all of five minutes.

Expand full comment
Scott Clevenger's avatar

It’s a cameo, and not a particularly glorified one.

Expand full comment
B-Movie Tea's avatar

An excellent synopses of a dumpster fire masterpiece! |Thank you for your service!

Expand full comment
Decarceration's avatar

Highly accurate take on a perfect object of a movie. 10/10, no notes.

Fromtheyardtothearthouse.substack.com

Expand full comment
Worriedman's avatar

https://a.co/d/fLdsIE0

I noticed that this is a 15 minute extended version. The other 5 minutes are so hot human beings begin to process it

Expand full comment
Mr Mild - BlueVotingBastard💙's avatar

I should know better than to read Scott's columns in public (in a Dr's waiting room), and have to bite my tongue to not laugh hysterically.

Expand full comment
Carl Salonen's avatar

Y'know, it occurs to me that Jane March is a plant, hired specifically by a studio to kill a movie.

I can't think of one film she has been in, even tangentially, that did any serious box office or critical acclamation.

I mean, maybe Clash of the Titans is her most memorable film but even that is remembered more for the "Kraken" legacy than the actual film.

Expand full comment
Scott Clevenger's avatar

I have to question your premise Carl, because I didn't actually remember she was in Clash of the Titans. Her first film, "The Lover" (1992) was a commercial and critical success in Europe, although it fared less well in the U.S. "Color of Night" was March's follow-up, her first American film, and to studio execs, I'm sure the idea of casting the frequently nude girl from the sexy French hit in an erotic thriller must have seemed like a sure thing, but the whole movie couldn't run solely on the strength of her overbite and his wiener--they really did need a script. Sadly, CoN got Miss March's career off to a rocky start, and even more sadly, I also can't think of a single decent film she made after her debut.

Expand full comment
Carl Salonen's avatar

Europe?

You must be one of them "globalists" I keep reading about.

Expand full comment