Coyote Ugly (2000)

I expected the Millennium would bring Armageddon. But THIS??

Coyote Ugly (2000)
Directed by David McNally
Written by Gina Wendkos

Coyote Ugly, the latest in Disney’s true-life nature movies, is the story of a homely feral pup that wanders into the big city and, after a series of comic misadventures, develops self-esteem through raunchy dancing.

Okay, actually it’s a PG-13 Showgirls, combined with a jigger of Cocktail, and a splash of that “making their dreams come true” line from the Laverne and Shirley theme song thrown in for unredeeming social value. But we think the other one would have made for a better movie.

Anyway, shy, naïve, limp-haired Piper Perabo’s dream is to be a famous song-writer. So she leaves New Jersey to settle in a dirty, squalid apartment in New York, and prepare to become the new Jewel (one of them apparently not being enough to usher in the End of Days). When her neighbors complain about her music (basically songs that Neil Sedaka would reject for being too bland) she goes up on the roof to finger her Playskool keyboard and lip-synch to LeAnne Rimes. You see, Piper is the victim of paralyzing stage fright (sadly for us, though, she doesn’t appear to be spooked by Panavision equipment).

Piper takes copies of her songs to all the major music labels, which inform her that they don’t accept unsolicited demo tapes from unknown songwriters with bodiless hair. She even tries MCA, saying “I just want to leave this for Whitney or Mariah.” But surprisingly enough, it seems that even Whitney and Mariah have standards, and they too reject her. Then she goes home to discover she was robbed! It appears that the whole universe is trying to make her abandon her dream of being a songwriter. Having heard her songs, we gotta side with the universe here.

The despairing Piper mopes on over to the corner diner where the kindly counter guy gives her a free burger because she’s down on her luck. In the middle of wolfing down her McLoser With Cheese, she sees three beautiful women flaunting their tattoos, licking catsup off their faces, and waving around big wads of cash.

“Are they hookers?” Piper asks the counter attendant.

They wish! No, it seems they only are bartenders/sleazy dancers in a fake redneck bar called Coyote Ugly. But everybody has to start somewhere.

When Piper overhears that Tyra Banks is leaving the Coyote business to go to law school (apparently brain surgery school and nuclear physics school had already filled their supermodel quota), Piper heads over to the bar to apply for a job.

Lil, the owner, is a tough, brassy blonde (with a heart of gold, as required by movie law). Lil thinks Piper is a stupid hick, but hires her because “The average male is walking around with a toddler inside his pants.” Um, okay.

When Piper reports to work, the other girls are clog dancing on the bar. Lil rips Piper’s T-shirt (producer Jerry Bruckheimer must have had some leftover Flashdance costumes he needed to use up), then introduces her to her coworkers: Rachel, a hot-headed, bitchy Hooters girl, and Cammie, a dumb, flirty, Eastern European Hooters girl. But when Piper refuses to hop on the bar and do a bump-and-grind routine to “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” (and can you blame her?), Lil fires her. However, Piper breaks up a fight by giving the combatants money for drinks (because nothing soothes belligerent drunks like more alcohol), so she gets another chance to wear trampy outfits and do Karaoke on bars for boozy louts. Is this a great country or what? (Since the focus of the movie seems to be our heroine’s valiant attempts to make the erectile tissues of loud, sodden barflies stiffen with longing, we suggest as an alternate title for the movie, Piper Picks a Peck O’ Pickled Peters.)

To make up for how mean it was to her before, the universe gives Piper a nice boyfriend to go along with her success as a Coyote. He’s an Australian fish gutter who has a dream too—to make it on his own while keeping his dignity. Alas, his chance at realizing his dream died when he appeared in this movie. Oh, and Piper suddenly gets full, thick hair, indicating that the secret to bouffant styling is getting sprayed with beer a lot, and bouncing up and down on a bar.

To help overcome her stage fright, Aussie Boy sets up cardboard cutouts of Marilyn Monroe, Abe Lincoln, and JFK on Piper’s rooftop, and then makes PG- rated love to her in front of them. Aussie reasons that even if Piper never makes it as a singer, she will now be able to star in live sex shows without self-consciousness.

But then the universe decides that it has been too easy on a girl with a body double, dance double, and singing double, and so Piper’s dad disowns her, she gets fired from the bar again, and she spots her boyfriend letting another woman into his apartment. However, God steps in at this point because He thinks Piper is cute as a button, even if she can’t really dance, sing, or act. He makes sure her dad forgives her, a club owner loves her tape, and Aussie Boy was only showing his place to a potential renter. This happy turn of events demonstrates that you should always hold onto your dreams, even if they are incredibly unrealistic and puerile.

Now it’s time for Piper’s big singing debut at the club. But as soon as Piper gets on stage, she freezes. Fortunately, she spots Aussie Boyfriend in the audience and remembers having sex in front of Abe Lincoln, and that gives her the confidence to sing. She also struts, gyrates, and shakes her stuff, which can’t be easy in her skin tight leather pants and sequined bra top. And the crowd goes wild! They think she’s Britney Spears, of course, but they still like her.

While Piper sings her song we flash forward three months, and now LeAnne Rimes is singing Piper’s song. Strangely enough, the two singers sound exactly the same! Aussie asks Piper, “What do you do when you realize that all your dreams have come true?”

“Commit suicide,” is the correct response, but Aussie Boy doesn’t come up with it, showing that he is the weakest link. The End.

Most psychologists agree that before you can have a healthy relationship with somebody else, you have to feel good about yourself. Piper developed confidence and became an exhibitionist through erotic square dancing, but maybe this isn’t the route to self-actualization that is right for you. Here are some other tips on boosting your self-esteem.

1. Take stock of your strengths, since believing that you are good at a few things will help you feel worthwhile. Even though you may not be cute, young, thin, perky, and a world-class Coyote like Piper, at least you can usually resist the urge to rut in front of two-dimensional representations of assassinated presidents. (And while we’re on the subject, why did Aussie Boy insist on doing the nasty for the benefit of only two of our martyred chief executives? Does this antipodean fishmonger think he’s too good to simulate intercourse in front of James Garfield and William McKinley? I think not.)

2. Reflect honestly on your weaknesses, then come up with specific things you can do to overcome them. For example, Piper suffered from the heartbreak of limp hair. Instead of succumbing to despair, she thought up ways to combat her disability. She considered getting a hair transplant, joining the Sikh faith so she could always wear a turban, and moving to Mars where the weaker gravity would give her hair more bounce. Finally, she hit on reading the instructions on the shampoo bottle, where she learned and mastered the concept of “rinse.” Perhaps some similar scripture holds the secret of fulfillment for you: The Celestine Prophecy, Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet, or the label on a bottle of Gee, Your Hair Smells Prophetic.

3. Reduce your fear of failure by imagining the worst possible outcome, as this will reassure you that you can cope with whatever happens. For instance, picture your big singing debut. You’re at a club, up on stage, ready to present your tunes to the world. All your family, friends, and coworkers are there. And then you get stage fright and can’t sing a note. You sit there in the spotlight, frozen in fear. Everybody boos you and calls you names. The management refuses to give refunds, and a big riot ensues. Several people are killed in the fighting. While the Army is busy trying to restore order, aliens from outer space launch a secret attack and take over the Earth. The human race becomes Kennel Rations for the Rigelians. And it’s all your fault, because you got scared and didn’t sing your damn songs. Feel better?

Now that you’re self-confident, self-assured, and self-cleaning, you’re ready for a relationship. “Yes,” we hear you say, “I do love myself now, but how do I get other people to?” And we answer, “What kind of an illiterate moron ends a sentence with a preposition?”

Ha ha. Just messing with your self-esteem. Here, in fact, are some genuine pointers on how to make men fall in love with you, all from noted psychologists, trusted relationship experts, and Coyote Ugly:

1. Meet an eligible man through divine intervention. Once you’ve achieved this...

2. Ask the man about his job. Your interest in his work will flatter him, and he’ll think you’re a great conversationalist. Plus, there are undoubtedly lots of things you don’t know about fish gutting, so your dates will prove educational as well as enjoyable. And if you’re the woman who volunteers to spend a Saturday helping him scoop out halibut intestines, then you’re the one he’ll think seriously about marrying. Or, at least hiring as Assistant Gutter.

3. Have wild, kinky sex with him. As Lil so wisely said, “The average male is walking around with a toddler inside his pants.” Meaning, of course, that most men like to keep bawling, untoilet-trained two-year-olds crammed down the crotch of their Dockers. (What, you thought it was a metaphor?)

In conclusion, movies can be a valuable educational resource, and should be consulted often if you want a happy and successful love life. And if you never do find anyone to love you, you can always develop rich, fulfilling imaginary relationships with movie characters or cardboard cutouts. (I myself have been dating that huge cement statue that holds up the Midas Muffler sign.)