Dune (1984)

It's like sand in your swimsuit.

Dune (1984)
A Dino de Laurentiis production of a David Lynch film.
Written and directed by David Lynch.
Produced by Raffaella de Laurentiis.
Based on the novel by Frank Herbert.
Everything else by David Lynch or a de Laurentiis.

Our story begins as some blonde girl floats against a backdrop of stars and tells us stuff. This establishes the theme of the movie, which is: the marvels of exposition! Other men quailed at dramatizing a 500-page novel with its own language, mythology, and technology, but not David Lynch! He decided that if he couldn’t film it all, at least he could film people telling you about it all. When the characters aren’t casually mentioning the average yearly rainfall on Arrakis (zero), they’re narrating everything that happens to them (even though you’re sitting there and just saw what happened to them). They are also wont to share every thought that passes through their heads (you can tell the thoughts from the dialogue by the fact that they whisper their thoughts, but SHOUT their lines.)

The blonde chick, who’s the daughter of Emperor Jose Ferrer, tells us that it’s now 10,191 AD, and the most precious substance in the universe is Spice. Apparently, Spice is vital to space travel, since it lets the Navigators (gigantic, free-floating Ball Park Franks) “fold space”, which involves traveling without moving. Everything clear so far? Oh, and Spice is only found one place in the whole universe, the planet Arrakis. And apparently in the future they’ve done away with all other seasonings, since everybody just calls it “the Spice,” and not once does anybody think maybe they’re talking about paprika, or cumin.

Meanwhile, Emperor Jose has a secret plan to destroy House Atreides. It seems that Atreides has developed new amplifiers (and really big speakers), and their neighbors, the Harkonnens, are upset because they have to get up in the morning.

Now let’s watch as the Emperor’s bald, telepathic secretary schemes and plots. It seems that she is a Mother Superior in the Mary Kay sisterhood, a mystical group that has spent 90 generations practicing eugenics in order to produce the QuitThat Baccarat, the galaxy’s super-being. Jessica, the concubine of Duke Leo Atredies and the mother of Paul Atreides, is one of these Mary Kay women. Still with us?

Now let’s meet young Paul, who will be Agent Dale Cooper when he grows up. The Duke’s posse (Jean-Luc Picard, and Al from Quantum Leap) has just arrived to test Paul’s fighting prowess, having realized that a boy with Farrah Fawcett hair is going to need to know how to defend himself.

After beating up a turnstile, Paul goes to bed, but continues to narrate in his sleep. He murmurs, “Arrakis. Dune. Desert planet”, and then he is awakened by the Reverend Bald Lady, who wants him to take the Messiah SAT, which involves sticking your hand in a weasel cage. Paul thinks (out loud, of course), “Fear is the little death.” The Reverend Mother thinks, “Could he be the one?” Paul lives through the test, and Jessica thinks, “My son lives!” The audience thinks, “I thought orgasm was the little death.”

Meanwhile, over at House Harkonnen, everybody is evil and has hair like Carrot Top. The Baron is obese, unpleasant, and (judging by the mound-like growths that sprout from his flesh) has a face infested with prairie dogs. And as if that weren’t enough of a burden to bear, his nephew is Sting.

The Duke, Jessica, and Paul dress up in Nazi uniforms, and take off for Arrakis. The giant floating kielbasa “folds space,” and suddenly we’re there: Dune. Arrakis. Desert Planet. The original Spiceworld. Be sure and check out our giant worms.

Max Von Sydow shows up to do some exposition about “still suits”, which are basically sauna suits, except they capture your sweat, urine, and feces, and recycles them so you can drink the results. Apparently, they’re all the rage amongst the aboriginal Fremen, and Max is astonished that Paul instinctively knows the proper way to wear a still suit. But then, Paul’s so thin, he can wear anything. I just hate him.

Paul takes his first hit of Spice and starts tripping. He has a few mystical dreams before realizing that a hypodermic needle has sprung from the bed and is trying to kill him, probably jealous that he picked Spice over heroin. He foils the hypo just before it stabs Linda Hunt, the housekeeper, who came to warn him that there is a traitor in their midst, but she doesn’t know who it is, and would he like turn-down service?

It turns out the traitor is Al from Quantum Leap, who deactivated the “weirding modules” (the brand name of their amplifiers). Baron Harkonnen captures the city, and Jessica and Paul are told that they will “die in the innards of the worm.” A pretty horrifying threat, until you remember that they’re sealed into sauna suits and chugging their own urine like Gatorade.

A couple of soldiers take Jessica and Paul out to the desert to be eaten by giant worms, in a scene that exactly mirrors the story of Snow White, except for the giant worm part. They escape, but the Spice in the sand makes Paul trip-out again. Paul thinks, “They will call me Muad’Dib,” (and they do call him Muad’Dib, because that’s what he asks them to call him. He must be psychic!) He also thinks, “The sleeper must awaken.” Presumably he’s talking about the audience.

Paul plants a “thumper” to divert the giant sandworms that live in the deserts of Dune (the annoying rabbit from Bambi probably would have worked too). See, the worms are attracted to rhythm, and so most white folks are safe. But this one keeps coming, and we finally get to see one of the fabled sandworms of Dune—it looks like an aardvark snout that’s inhaled a picket fence.

Then Paul and Jessica conveniently fall into a cave, and into the midst of the whole Fremen Militia. Paul hides while his pregnant mom beats up their leader. The Fremen honcho is impressed, and says to her, “Your water shall mingle with our water.” Which apparently means that on Saturday nights they stick straws down one Fremen’s suit and have a kegger.

The Fremen leader tells Paul that from now on he will be called Ursula among the tribe, but he can pick his secret name. He picks Muad’Dib, which means “mouse turd,” or something. The Fremen then take him to their basement, which, like all basements, is flooded. Paul thinks, “The Fremen have water! When they have enough, they will change the face of Arrakis!” Yes, and then they can stop drinking from each other’s underpants, too!

Paul meets the girl of his dreams, Sean Young, and we share a tender ten-second scene depicting their great love. She says, “Tell me of your world, Ursula.”

He thinks, “Tell me of your world, Ursula.” This is pretty much the high spot of their romance.

Meanwhile, the Fremen ask Jessica to be their new Reverend Mother. To accept, she must drink the “Water of Life.” This is actually sandworm juice, and is contraindicated during pregnancy, so Paul’s sister Alia is born with a severe birth defect—knowledge. It seems she has all the powers of a Reverend Mother, but only half the calories, or something like that.

Paul teaches the Fremen warriors how to break limestone by using an amplifier and singing at it (Toto songs appear to work best). He explains that, “Some thoughts have a certain sound, that being equivalent to a form.” Um, okay. He tells them that they will be able to use sound to break bones, start fires, and suffocate people—so apparently he’s given them the power of Festival Seating.

However, before Paul can lead the Fremen, he has to ride Moby Worm. He does. The Toto music blares triumphantly. A choir sings. It seems like this would be a good place for the movie to end, so naturally it doesn’t.

Bimbo narrator tells us that two years have passed (yeah, honey, and we’ve felt every minute of them), and the Fremen have managed to stop Spice production.

A 3rd Level Navigator (whom we can immediately tell is high ranking, because he’s smothered in chili and onions) pays another visit to the Emperor. Through his badly dubbed assistants, the irked frankfurter tells His Imperial Screw-up that he has only one more chance to stop Muad’Dib. So, Jose decides to kill everything on Dune—where’s your Messiah NOW! He starts by giving Dune City to the Carrot Tops.

Paul fights back by sending his six-year-old sister against the bad guys. She sneaks into town dressed like an Italian widow, and lowers the defense shields using her Jedi mind tricks. Then the Fremen attack, riding sandworms and shrieking like adolescent girls. In the midst of the battle, Alia yanks out Baron Harkonnen’s pacemaker, causing him to fly straight into a worm’s mouth.

The Fremen win, but Sting isn’t ready for the movie to be over, and he challenges Paul to a fight. Alas, even his leather Speedo and trick poisoned-kneecap are no match for Mouse Turd’s mystical powers. Paul kills Sting, then cracks the linoleum by shouting at it. Paul has evolved past the need for amplifiers, and has clearly won the battle of the bands!

It starts to rain. Paul has an ocean in his eye. Alia lisps, “And how can this be? For he is the QuadStackPartypack.”

Any questions?

We didn’t think so.